Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
