Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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