Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
