I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
