I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
