You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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