Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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