I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
