I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
