It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
