Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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