Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
