Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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