i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
