I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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