I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
