i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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