Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
