my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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