Is it because I queefed?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
