I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
