Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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