Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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