I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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