I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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