hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
