I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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