Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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