So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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