Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
