I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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