You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
