I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
