We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
