broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
