I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
