Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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