Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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