dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
