Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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