i always forget guys have bellybuttons
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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