if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
