dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
