I have demons in me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
