Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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