At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
