Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
