I am full of burrito and curiosity
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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