when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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