i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
