All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
